[male voice repeating a rhythm]
[repeating a rhythm]
(David) I guess when I think back on it now,
we must've looked pretty ridiculous
with our ties and our stupid hair.
But you can't imagine what it felt llke.
To be up there with your best friends,
totally absorbed in the song,
audience cheering you on.
It was a peak experience.
This was our moment.
We were about to leave college at the top of our game,
and it seemed to us llke there was nothing in the world but possibility.
It was unforgettable.
[applauding and cheering]
(David) What I don't get is why one of those old guys in the audience
didn't run up and shake us and say, "Do you've any idea how fleeting this is?"
But I guess they knew that the beauty of it
Is not knowing that you won't always feel this way.
It's the youthful bliss of ignorance.
And the melancholy of life is that, just llke your hair,
once it's gone, you're never gonna get it back.
(David) Oh, my God.
I'm dying.
I'm actually dying.
I have gray hair here.
This is actual physical proof that I am dying.
(woman) I can't help you. I need to get to the office early.
I can't believe my body is decaying right in front of my eyes.
[inhales] Oh, you smell that?
Yeah. That's 40 approaching like a giant landfill.
You know what? You're crazy. The next 20 years are gonna be the best!
Kids, a house, some money to spend finally.
Yeah, but that's it. Once you have kids, it's over.
You go from on-deck circle to batter's box. And then you're up.
And it's like, game over, showers, coffin.
So you don't want kids because that means you're closer to death?
Yes! No. No, I want kids. I just-I...
Will you tell me the truth? Is my hair receding?
I can't tell if it's always been this way and I hadn't noticed...
We need to talk about this, but I'm gonna be late for work.
Give me a kiss. Yes. I love you.
Don't stay in here all day.
Don't s... And... okay.
Oh, huh, I got rehearsal after work.
And Greg's back from Japan with some big news.
Great I Say hi to him for me.
Okay. Bye. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it.
Oh, God, four and a half inches. Yeah.
Goddamn, that's gotta be receding.
[murmurs]
[mens' choir sing sacred music]
What are you supposed to say when you get divorced? Happy hunting?
I think it's best we not speak at all.
This is what I'm saying.
We're not going to talk anymore and I just wanted, I don't know,
I just wanted to make a closing statement.
Fucking Kelly Trumbull was what, your opening argument?
Look, I just...
"Have a nice life," I guess. I just...
Jesus. We were married.
Oh, now he remembers.
I just thought...
What? What do you have to say?
Just take care.
You deserve better.
Brilliant. Here's my closing statement.
Grow up, get a life. Goodbye.
Hey, mister, do you spare some change?
Buddy...
Have you ever heard the phrase, " Location, location, location?"
You don't ask people for money outside of divorce court!
I just lost half my life savings in there!
And look at you. You're wearing Nikes!
Guys beg me who wear dry- cleaning bags for shoes!
Twenty-six different people ask me for money every day.
Do you think I'm gonna give my money to you or to the guy on the subway
who has a frigging skateboard for a body?
You don't have a prayer! Do you hear me?
Get a job!
Hi, folks.
Yeah.
Sounds great. I think we have it.
Um, what if we tried something, something cooler, you know,
something modern, like, uh, like a bass line first.
[vocal percussion]
And then llke a...
[sings] I got to have my...
[hip-hop rhythm]
Yeah. Somethin'...
That's it, folks. Thank you.
Will, can I get a cappuccino before you go?
Sure. No problem.
[mixed voices]
Hi, this is David, Technical Support Supervisor. How may I help you?
(guy) I'm having trouble with my 2130. The cup holder,
It doesn't come out anymore.
The cup holder?
Yeah, the cup holder that shoots out the side. I can't get it to open.
Sir, that's not...
I'm sorry, can you hold, please?
Dude, you gotta hear this.
Yeah, uh, sir, what sort of cups where you putting in there?
Regular stuff. Coffee cups.
Really? You never put a Big Gulp in there, did you, sir?
No, I never put a Big Gulp in there.
I'll tell you what? You send your computer back
and we're gonna send you the new 2500 version which has a cup holder,
but also has a front loading toast slot.
Really? A toast slot? Are you puttin' me on?
Yes, I am, sir. You are a moron.
[laughs]
[men singing sacred music]
Is Ted in?
Oh. Sorry.
Hi. I'm Geoff Spooner. Hope I didn't freak you out.
No, not at all. Hi.
I'm Ted's... Tracey. Tammy.
Tammy.
Hi, Ted's Tammy.
Spooner, shut up!
I should be out of this in about 20 minutes.
I just have to go explain to my boss how to do his job. Hang out in my office.
Can I take your... thing?
Oh, no, thanks. I don't wear anything under it. Keeps me cooler.
But thank you.
You understand it has nothing to do with you or your performance, right, Ted?
No, no. Understood. This happens all the time.
I know in a few years I'm going to be coming to you for a job, big guy.
Ted!
Uh, what happened?
[moaning]
[woman screams]
(Ted) When you're singing, you forget what's gone wrong,
what you wish you could change,
and you think of nothing but the moment.
But then, unfortunately, the song has to end.
Talk about it.
Shut up and stop singing.
No one wants to hear your corny shit.
Okay? Yeah, yeah. That's right.
Yeah, keep going.
[shouts]
Wow. Sometimes it's nice to have a mental patient on your side.
Kon ban wai Shut up! All of you.
Shut up!
Wait a minute. Who are all these old guys?
And what have you done with my college buddies?
F-you a lot!
Uh, Spooner, what are you wearing?
A Franciscan penitence's robe.
It's better than carrying a gun. No one's gonna mess with me.
Yeah, except my assistant who must have a monk fetish
because she banged him on my desk today.
(Will) What? How long has this been going on?
I just met her.
You met her today and she let you nail her on Ted's desk?
Ted, can I visit you tomorrow?
This is depressing. Greg, I believe you have some news for us.
I do, Ted. Fellas,
I'm getting married.
[all] Shut up!
When's the baby due?
[all cheer]
Guys, I'm serious. I'm serious. This is the real deal.
(Will) Who's the victim?
Uh, you might remember her. Kate.
(Will) Nice!
Oh, my God, I love Kate.
I thought you broke up with her five times.
Well, six, but we don't want it to happen again.
The wedding's gonna be on the 27 th in the Hamptons,
and we would love it if you guys would sing at the service.
Why? Would you llke to make sure everyone cries?
Yeah. We really suck, Greg.
Look, you guys can get in shape.
It would be really important to me. You're my best friends.
Listen, we could go out a few days early to rehearse at my family's lodge.
[all wow]
This'll be great. I love being the only single, divorced guy
with all the happy loving couples.
If it makes you feel any better, I won't bring anybody.
No, it doesn't make me feel any better.
You got laid today just by showing up somewhere!
I, on the other hand, am well into the triple digits.
What's your D. O. C.?
Days Of Celibacy is approaching 500.
That's dry.
That's Sinai Peninsula dry.
Even I get more than that, and I'm unhappily married.
Are you?
We'll talk.
David, could you call Steven for me?
I'd love him to come out from L.A. but, you know, it's a little awkward.
Yeah. I'll give him a try.
Hey, here's a more important question. How do you say "shut up" in Japanese?
Tojikomeru.
[all] Tojikomeru.
Shut up!
(all) You're getting married!
(Steven speaks in Spanish]
[woman on tape] The grass needs more water.
La hierba necesita mas agua.
The plants are getting dry.
[telephone rings]
Shut up!
Tell me you're not calling to convince me to come to A-hole's wedding.
Come on! He's grown up a lot in the last couple of years. People change.
No, they don't.
We're all just logical extensions of what we were in college. That's a fact.
[woman on tape] Mi arbusto necesita ajustar.
Whoa. Did a Spanish woman just say something about trimming her bush?
No.
Do you have a Latina hooker in your car?
I'm trying to learn Spanish so I can talk to my friggin' gardeners.
Look at the bright side. You have gardeners. I dream of having gardeners.
Just come for us, huh? Don't worry about Greg.
This may be the last time we get a chance to sing together
before the funerals start happening.
That's not gonna be much of a party.
Well, that depends who dies.
Oh!
Oh, all right, listen.
I'll... I'll probably make it, but I gotta check with Michelle.
Oh, my God, you're so whipped!
Come on, please! You're the most pussy-whipped guy I know!
No, no, no. You can't be pussy-whipped if you're not getting any pussy.
That's Kierkegaard, right?
Yes, it is. Yes.
All right. You win.
I'll come to the wedding. Send me an email. Shut it!
[sings on high-pitched voice]
What's going on? I've got a stop sign and he's stopped.
It's a four-way stop.
So who goes?
Whoever got there first. I think he did.
But he's not going.
Wave him on.
Come on. Oh, good! Now he's waving.
So go.
No. [chuckles]
This is insane. Who thought of this?
"I've got a great idea. Let's let the people who are sealed inside their cars
and can communicate only by semaphore,
decide democratically who should go."
This is why there are no stop signs in all of Manhattan.
[honks horn] Look at this. I'm going!
[crash]
Shit!
I can't believe it! He hit me.
I was at the four-way first, mister. I went by the rules!
Calm down, okay? I'm gonna see if he's all right.
I'm gonna sue the old man.
I am gonna sue the state of New York.
I'm gonna figure out who invented the four-way stop
and sue them for every penny.
[car honks horn]
Hey.
Foolish air-breathers, welcome!
[laughs]
[mixed voices]
Awesome.
It's like Eden out here.
Without the snakes, I hope.
Shut up.
No, you shut it.
I will do that.
Trish, can you stop doing that?
I can't help it. I don't know what's going on today
but my pussy is so itchy!
I apologize, Dana.
It happens to the best of us.
I'm totally clean down there. Anal about it.
Could you not act like you're eight for one second? Nobody wants to hear this.
Could you not act like a repressed Republican for a change?
These are our close friends.
If you can't talk about your personal issues with these people,
who are you supposed to talk about it with?
I'm not sure that "issues" is the right word.
No one, honey. You talk about these things with no one!
Am I alone? Does anybody talk about these things in public?
Certainly not in the Hamptons.
Ted, you are so uptight you could pull a freight train with your asshole.
[all laugh]
Honest to God, Trish.
How do your balls feel after a trip like that?
The balls are a little sweaty, but they appreciate your concern.
You've done with my balls? Okay.
Well, guys, the master suite.
Oh!
You guys are gonna dig this one.
Oh, my God.
(Ted) The ocean!
This one's super cozy.
There you go.
It's great. Really. It's great.
Enjoy it.
I should never leave Manhattan.
[horn honking]
Well, please, shut up!
Fellini.
Uh, the lodge, there it is.
There it is, and it's all yours. Hi.
Hey, this is, uh, Geoffrey Gibson Spooner. This is Julep Hardy.
What kind of name is Julep?
It's a drink, right?
Yeah. Maybe her parents were alcoholics.
[mixed voices]
Since when does Will have a girlfriend? I thought he was fudge-packer.
Jesus.
You're the one who told me that.
No, I never said that, honey. Never said it.
Yes, you did. You're such a liar!
You're always trying to act like I'm the crazy one, but at least I'm honest.
Is he gay?
He was out for like a day. He's like the groundhog of homosexuals.
He cames out of the closet one morning, sees his gay shadow, and goes right back in.
I just hope Julep Is not a shrew llke Michelle.
Trish, could you stop judging people for one second?
Ted, give it a rest.
[mixed voices]
(Will) Everybody, this is Julep.
Julep, this is Ted.
Hi.
Hi. May I take a bag?
This is David and Richard.
Shut up. I guess.
Nice. Catching on. Hello, how are you?
And Dana and Trish.
You don't have to do the "shut up" thing with me.
Okay.
Or with me.
Okay.
Julep, is that your real name?
No, I thought maybe it was llke a nickname or something.
Nope, it's on the driver's license and everything. I don't know what they were thinking.
"They"?
The orphanage at the trailer park.
Just teasing y'all.
[all laugh]
Beach time. Stop working, corporate tool.
(Ted) Aren't we supposed to rehearse?
Come on, it's gorgeous.
But we suck. Why don't you remember that?
Oh, my God.
(David) There he is! Mr. Sunshine!
You should just wear a burka.
I'm from Manhattan. Our tribe wears black.
Come on, let's take a walk.
Aw!
What is it about Spooner that makes you just wanna rip his clothes off?
Yeah, he's pretty cute.
Pretty cute? Oh, my.
You're telling me that if... hi.
If Spooner came up to you and asked you if he wanted to have sex, you would say no?
Spooner? I couldn't
Besides, he's not my type.
What? Gorgeous, rich, and hung like a Clydesdale is not your type?
Hello? We're married.
That part of your brain was supposed to be erased.
Oh, really? Hm.
Well, that part of my brain has not been erased.
I n fact, lately something cranked up my volume.
I don't know what, but my volume has been cranked up lately.
God, I envy you. You and Dana. You seem great.
Really?
Yeah. It's a little chilly at the moment.
It's llke if you're not buying for the kids,
you're not allowed in the candy store. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know. I never thought I'd have less sex than I was married.
Then I got divorced.
You're gonna meet somebody, you know.
You're gonna have that great rush of loose sex with a new person.
That was fun, right? I miss that.
Do you miss that? You miss the worrying about diseases
and how you stack up to her last lover?
Who needs us? My motto is, stick with masturbation.
It's the greatest invention of all time.
No guilt, no, uh, disappointment.
Everyone goes home a winner. It's perfect every time, like Minute Rice.
Aw!
I hate nature.
Guys, you gotta go in. It's so exhilarating.
Ooh, yes it is.
Dana was actually wondering if you had sex with her.
What?
Oh. Trish evidently lost her edit function a long time ago.
Oh, really?
Well, we could do that, but I recommend the swim. It's a little less complicated.
You are such a...
What?
You'll get me into trouble.
I just wanted to put it there out for you.
Put it out there for you.
I don't mind if I do.
Don't mind if I do.
(Dana) Michelle!
Shut up!
[jumbled voices]
Hollywood! How you doing?
Hey, everybody, everybody. Let me introduce you. This is our nanny, Elsa.
Hi.
I'm a friend of, um... I'm David.
Oh, my God! Look at this gorgeous baby!
This is our son Jazz.
Oh, Jazz, yeah!
You named him Jazz?
Oh, my God. I want one of these so badly.
Dude, you're cooked.
(Trish) Hi, Michelle.
Hi, Trish.
How are you? Nice to see you.
It's nice to see you.
Spooner? A little housewarming.
Wow! They match the curtains!
Yeah. I emailed your brother to find out the color scheme for the kitchen.
I did an Internet search for farm stands on the route from the airport to here.
Thanks.
(Steven) Hey, honey.
We also picked up this Pinot at the best local vineyard.
I always think it's such a fun adventure to try indigenous wines.
How daring.
(Spooner) Steven? Try this.
Oh, what is it?
Oh, it's a Hampton special. Chai Tea martini.
It aligns your chakras while you get wrecked. Come on.
(Steve) You loser!
Sitting inside watching television?
Oh, you gotta see this show.
It's about bonobos monkeys.
They have sex with each other constantly.
Family members, everything. It's like...
(TV narrator) Even grandparents and youngsters
engage in this behavior, especially in moments of stress.
Sounds llke Spooner's family.
Thank you.
[makes monkey sounds]
Don't let me interrupt you guys.
No, no, no, no. We just haven't seen each other in a while.
He just got a little overexcited.
What in God's name was that?
Uh, that-that's Elsa, our nanny.
That's your nanny?
Michelle let's you have a lingerie model around the house all day?
She's a kid. She's like 23.
Some of the best sex I ever had in my life was with 23 year-olds.
Yes, when you were 23.
(David) Okay, let's sing!
Dinner is cooking. We've got a solid hour.
A solid hour. We need weeks.
Ever the optimist, Ted.
[jumbled voices]
Hey, Richard, by the way,
I'm sorry about you and Sheila.
Oh, thank you. For a millisecond I'd actually forgotten about it.
(Ted) Could we sing?
Yeah. Okay, let's do The More I See You?
Um, I have short?
I gotta tell you something. I think we owe it to you.
[clears throat] We never liked Sheila.
Here we go.
What?
It's true. She wasn't right for you.
You're telling me this now?
Could we not get into this?
I can't believe this. You are my closest friends
and none of you had the integrity to tell me what you really thought?
It was awkward. We didn't know what to say.
We thought we were doing the right thing.
So you had discussions about this?
Yeah. For the last decade the only two topics of conversation
have been how much we disliked Sheila and the size of Spooner's schlong.
Hey, this is shocking to me!
Come on, buddy. It's-it's over. We love you.
Just calm down. It's gonna be, it's gonna be...
[makes monkey sounds]
Come on.
(Ted) Can we just sing?
(David) Yes, come on!
(Richard) I suppose the fact that we get together
to sing 15 years after anyone really wants to listen,
Is some kind of feeble attempt to prove we've still got it.
To tap into the feelings we had then,
that life would be easy If we could just hit the right notes or something.
Or maybe we're still hoping it'll help us get laid.
[guys cheer]
Isn't that amazing?
How can they be such a bunch of idiots one minute
and sound so beautiful the next?
[lively chatter]
Blue point oysters and Peconic clams
with a chive beurre blanc dipping sauce!
[all cheer]
So, Spooner, what, um, what do you do in the real world?
It's kinda hard to imagine him with a real job, huh?
I'm in astrophysics.
Worm holes, dark matter, stuff like that. And you?
Same here! I'm surprised we haven't met at any worm hole conventions.
Oh, nice!
Yeah?
[laughs]
So, Ted, what is your work?
Oh, uh, the firm does capital funding,
risk assessment, and asset allocation
for a group of international...
[snores]
Oh, what? Wha... what did I miss?
I don't know what the hell he does, either.
All I know is that it's rock steady and the money is there when I need it.
Ted is like an ATM machine with legs.
And a weiner.
Okay.
I'm into the acting thing in New York.
Uh, I'm always up for, you know, the guy in the turban.
Terrorist number four.
Steven, why don't you put Will in one of your shows?
Oh. Uh, well, you know.
That's cool, man.
No, I mean, I would love to help you. I would.
I'm doing mostly documentary stuff. Yeah.
Wow. Finally one of you is doing something with his brain.
What is it?
Well, uh, I just sold a pitch for a reality show
about Vanna White's life.
You're kidding, right?
No. NB C just bought it.
Her existence is this really cool metaphor
for solving the puzzles of life.
She's a modern-day Sisyphus just turning over letters
and having the problem solved, and then starting all over again.
It's called "V-blank-N-N-blank."
[Will laughs]
No, it sounds good. Sounds good.
If you're still hungry.
This is roast lacono chicken
with a rosemary tarragon tapenade!
Come on, she's so queer.
Wha... what do you really do, Julep?
Just, you know, PR. Nothing life-altering.
Nothing we do really is. We're all just specks of dust in cosmic terms.
That's comforting.
It's liberating. Your life can't possibly have any real value, so,
why not just enjoy it?
Okay. Then why spend million of dollars studying arcane things llke quarks
if none of it matters anyway?
Why don't you study something that helps with everyday life?
Like figure out a way where we don't ever have to take a dump ever again.
[all laugh]
I'm so tired of cleaning up that tar every day.
[all laugh]
Okay, on that note, let's give a toast to Michelle and all our chefs.
Cheers.
Is there anything in life that matters more than good food and sex?
Not even good sex? Just sex?
Even the worst orgasm I ever had was a good time.
I'm having one right now. I'm also cleaning my oven.
You're just beyond weird.
What's wrong with you?
I have a little question for everyone. Who here has faked an orgasm?
Jamaica?
Ooh!
Why does that not surprise me?
Well, I don't know. If it goes on for an hour or more I get a little tired.
An hour? [clears throat]
Excuse me.
Elsa, I'm just curious. Did you not raise your hand just because you, uh,
you're just too honest to fake one?
David, I-I don't think we know Elsa well enough
to be grilling her on her sexual practices.
No, it's okay. I guess
I just never really need to fake. I, I always have an orgasm.
Elsa, will you help me put the baby to bed?
Sure.
Sorry.
It's just hilarious to me the way you suddenly become slobbering idiots
the second a pretty woman walks in the room.
We were not slobbering idiots!
And there already was a pretty woman in the room.
Thank you, Will. Too bad my husband couldn't come up with that.
There we go. Thank you. Yes, for making me look llke an ass.
(Richard) I don't know why this surprises you, Dana.
For millions of years men's brains have been genetically programmed
to go after the most desirable candidate of the opposite sex
and try to procreate with them.
Elsa is one of the most desirable candidates ever created.
The fact that we didn't gang-bang her on sight
showed remarkable restraint.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, he's right. He's right.
Genetically, we're only one thousandth of one percent away from those bonobos monkeys
that hump everything in sight.
Plus she is hotter than a thousand suns!
She's a supernova.
I don't know which one of you is the more immature.
If you lined up in profile, it would be llke a poster for the Descent of Man.
I don't know, it makes sense to me. I think she's incredibly hot.
If I had a "whasker," I'd wanna nail her.
[all laugh]
Can you feel that that wasn't helpful?
[all laugh]
[moaning]
Oh, my God. Richard.
You are the most amazing lover ever.
Let me call my friend Lena to join us!
Yes. Call Lena.
Call Lena to join us.
Steven? You gotta come check this out.
She is beauty incarnate.
She's a goddess. We should bow to her.
Oh, good morning!
[all] Good morning.
Is anybody up for a run?
Yeah, I...
[thump]
Oh!
I'll be right back. What size are your feet?
Uh, ten.
Eleven.
Give me your sneakers. Give 'em.
You don't even have sneakers? When was the last time you went running?
Um, never. But how hard can it be?
I can walk. I'm sure I can run.
I'll be super fast. Let's go running!
Isn't the air fantastic?
Fantastic.
Are you okay? You wanna take a break?
Yeah.
Nature.
I got a...
I got a glucose imbalance or something.
I'll catch you up.
Okay. I'll see you back at the house.
Yeah.
(David) Okay.
You guys are ready to see where we stand?
Now, I based this time line
on the idea that you're gonna live until you're 80,
which is certainly optimistic.
I'd cut that in half for Marlboro Man here.
I'd punch you but I'm too weak.
Anyway, uh, if you lay out one year, one day and one hour
against the 80 years of your life, you get these other points of reference.
(Ted) What's the bad news? Where are we now?
Okay. Our average age, 36.
Old man river and baby-face Nelson cancel each other out.
So, that puts us at
June 19th of the year, 11:22 A.M. in the day,
and 28 past in the hour.
That's interesting. I like that. 11:22.
I like the feeling of 11:22 in the morning. I got the whole day ahead of me.
But it's almost noon. That's the peak, and that's when the sun starts to go down.
I n June 19th the longest day of the year is two days away
and then it just gets shorter and shorter. I wish it was still like May.
Wow. What is wrong with you guys?
June 19th is great. You got the whole summer ahead of you,
you got the beauty of fall, and then way down the road you got winter old age.
I'm with Richard. How many times you feel llke the summer's just started
and then it's over?
I look at 28 past the hour and that just freaks me out.
You know the last ten minutes of the hour are gonna suck
because you're old and decrepit.
It's llke 20 quality minutes left in our lives.
Man.
Excuse me. I'm just curious. What does this do for you?
Oh, you know, it helps me get a grip,
so it let's me know where I stand and how much time I have left.
Time for what?
To, uh, to make something of myself, of my life.
Is it helpful? Do you do anything about it?
Not yet.
You know, there are pretty well proven methods
for living a longer life if that's what you all are after.
Like, uh, working out. Do you all work out?
No. No! That takes too much time.
What?
Well, you know, he's right.
You gotta figure you work out three hours a week,
times 52 weeks, times 80 years,
that's like, that's like 171/2 months of your life spent in the gym.
It would have to add more than a year and a half just to break even.
[all talk at a time]
I wanna live my life now while I can
before the ear and the nose hair starts to suffocate me.
That stuff is terrible.
I've got some weird lumps. Anybody?
They're harmless, right?
That's nothing. Look at this.
Receding hairline, four inches. I measured.
That is truly awful.
(Julep) Okay, you all have to stop.
Will you listen to yourselves? You sound like you're 85 years old.
Just walk away. It's like a black hole of neurosis.
If you get sucked in, you'll never get out.
Receding hairline? That's your biggest issue?
For real? Y'all ever heard of cancer,
like, child abuse, poverty?
Okay.
You've no idea what "truly awful" means.
You guys still get good wood, right?
[all talk at a time]
Hey, gentlemen, it's tee time.
[all cheer]
Shut up!
Dead man walking!
I'm sorry. It's a joke, baby.
What's up, Richard? Hey, are you limping?
Yeah. I kind of pulled every muscle in my leg this morning. It's a long story.
What's up, Dana?
Hey, pal, what's with you? Hi.
You come 3000 miles and you can't even say hello?
Look, I came for those guys, all right? Not you.
Let's get Guinness on the phone
and see if this breaks the record for the world's longest grudge.
What can I say? I have a low tolerance for back-stabbing assholes.
Huh. Lucky for you I have a high tolerance
for petty, insecure, douche bags who can't let it go.
You think Steven will punch him?
No, I don't think he's still that mad.
I underestimated him.
[all at a time] Hey, hey, hey.
Come on!
Turn the page!
Don't be surprised if I kick your ass during the wedding.
Steven, what is wrong with you?
You're not kicking anyone's ass.
How do you think it makes me feel that you're still upset
over a girlfriend he stole from you 12 years ago?
She's good.
Do you wish you were still with her? Is that the problem?
Maybe I should kick your ass!
Michelle. Michelle!
[whispers] I feel so bad watching. It's so good to watch.
Richard, I'm not sure I understand this group of people.
You are friends, yes?
More like a dysfunctional family.
Your leg is hurt?
No, no. No, no, I'm fine.
You know, maybe I can give you a little massage later.
I am Swedish, you know.
I know.
With a chance to make a birdie and take the lead here,
Spooner is really taking his time.
Two hundred.
I'm surprised he's going with the 200 and a heavier Frisbee when this close to the pin.
He's completely baked. He probably doesn't know what he's doing.
Yeah!
Oh, my God! Spooner sits atop the leader board!
That's how you throw a Frisbee. Thank you, my friend.
Yes!
You know what she is?
Who? What?
That-the nanny, Elsa.
Uh, no, what is she?
She is the girl in the Mini.
The girl in the Mini.
The girl in the Mini!
What is the girl in the Mini?
About five years ago, the three of us were walking downtown
and this girl, this, uh, this woman,
she comes around the corner driving in a red Mini.
She was about 24. She was wearing this white sleeveless dress
so you could see her smooth tan shoulders.
Her long sun-bleached hair was flowing.
I... it was like, it was late in the day.
It was, it was that magic hour,
and she was just, she was lit like a movie star.
And she turned and she smiled at us.
I could've sworn it was in slow motion.
I n that one smile you could tell that she was the coolest girl.
The sexiest creature.
The kind of girl who'd be in on all your jokes,
who likes a good burger, who'd take care of you no matter what.
And who would frequently be unable to control her lust for you.
I don't know, the whole thing lasted, what, three seconds?
But we will never forget her.
That's a problem. Knowing something like that is out there, it's evil.
It's the Elsas of the world. They're everywhere.
They're in the elevator, on the street, in a hotel in Miami Beach.
They just get in there. They infect you. They're llke heroin.
Uh, reality check. Kate is amazing,
and you're gonna get up there and you're gonna say "I do."
And then you're gonna shut up.
All right. All right.
Damn straight.
Now, let's get wasted and celebrate.
Kate!
[jumbled voices]
So?
Are we gonna talk about it?
I guess so, yeah.
What exactly are you afraid of?
I don't know.
Everything, you know.
All of it.
Losing my hair, of, uh,
not anything done, missing out on the good life.
And to pee six times a night,
not being able to get it up.
You haven't had to worry about that, yet.
Please, not in front of the boy.
But you're wasting the time you have now
worrying about the future.
I mean, someday
you're gonna be sitting in a retirement home
eating your dinner through a straw,
and you're gonna think about this moment
right here, right now,
walking on this road with me,
spending the weekend with your best friends.
All your limbs and orifi fully functioning,
and you're gonna wish to God
you could get this back.
God, I love this song.
[Sinatra sings at a distance]
Oh, my God, look at that.
That is the most romantic thing I've ever seen.
[David gabbling]
What is going on?
I n honor of the horrendous way your life has regressed,
we'd like to offer you these words of wisdom
from the great philosopher Denis Leary.
[cheering]
This is so humiliating.
I-I didn't think I could feel worse about myself,
but now I see there's room to go lower!
So.
What is this D. O. C.?
Uh, Days Of Celibacy.
He hasn't got laid for two years.
No sex in two years? Oh, my God.
Can you help a brother out, Elsa?
A toast. To Richard's lonely member,
and to all the lonely members out there in the desert.
May they find safe harbor soon.
[inaudible]
Did we just toast to penises?
It's kind of weird group, isn't it?
Okay. Listen, guys. We have to get him laid.
What?
The poor guy's unit Is gonna turn to dust.
The question is, do we go for a local girl?
Which could take a lot of effort and not have a guaranteed pay-off.
Or should we just hire a pro?
No, we gotta go pro.
I mean, if this guy gets rejected in his delicate state, he's gonna implode.
Do we even know if there are hookers in the Hamptons?
Oh, yeah. Their vaginas have Kate Spade labels.
That's on the edge.
Okay, no one wins with comments llke that.
Of course they have hookers. Everywhere you have human beings, you have hookers.
I'm gonna ask around.
Make sure he's ready before you decide to have kids.
Steven is so involved in his work he never has any time to spend with the baby.
Hey, hey, hey, I heard that.
I spend plenty quality time with the nipper.
It is not exactly quality time to park the stroller next to you
while you hit a bucket of golf balls.
Well.
What is Spooner doing? Trying to incite a hate crime?
(David) Something llke that.
I love this song!
Ted, let's dance!
Trish, I'm not dancing. Nobody is dancing. It's not that kind of place.
Who gives a shit? Come on, let's have some fun!
Come on! I'll dance.
You will?
See you later loser.
[rock music]
Take a shot.
So honest, I do.
(Ted) That's what you needed. Another drink. Perfect.
Oh, my God!
Do you like it?
What are you doing? It's not funny.
[no audio]
Great, terrific.
Trish, you're acting like a frickin' whore! You out of your mind?
Let's go now.
Let go off me!
[mixed voices]
What the hell are you thinking, huh?
What is going through your head? Are you trying to humiliate me?
No, Ted, I think you do that pretty well by yourself.
That's terrific.
I'm just trying to have fun in there. Ever heard of fun? Fun?
What is your idea of fun?
Grinding some stranger with a trucker hat? Is that fun?
At least I got a rise out of somebody.
Fuck you!
I hate you!
What happened?
I'll tell you about it later.
(Richard) Get in the car.
This son of a... I got a hit.
(Dana) Walt a second. Where are those guys going?
(Trish) Who cares? I could use a break from those idiots.
What are we doing here? Are we getting shrooms?
No, but that's a genius idea.
(Steven) I can't take hallucinogens anymore. I'm a dad.
That's one more reason not to have kids.
We are all set.
Set for what?
You'll thank us later.
[siren wails]
Oh!
They set us up.
[jumbled voices]
(Richard) I didn't have anything to do with this.
I didn't even want a hooker. I'm a lawyer!
Dana's gonna kill me.
Michelle's gonna serve my nuts on a platter.
Bet they'll be beautifully presented.
What is it with you and Michelle?
It's not just me.
What?
Richard?
If we're gonna be honest, Steven.
What? You're gonna tell me that this is like Sheila?
What?
None of you llke Michelle? That's ridiculous. Why didn't you say anything?
(man) I'll say something.
Will you girls please shut up and stop whining?
I'm trying to read.
Thank you.
Keep your back to the wall, dude.
This is not a good place to be wearing a sarong.
What a hell of a voice you got there, man.
We're singers. You sing?
Yeah, somethin'.
Uh, you guys know any Barry Manilow?
Surprisingly no.
Oh. Okay, uh,
how about, uh, Working in a Coal Mine?
Yeah. That's my boy Spooner's song.
Lead us.
Follow me.
[bass voice]
Yeah, it's cold in there.
[all cheer]
[mixed voices]
Freedom!
Hey. Sorry, baby.
Where's Richard?
Uh, they had to...
They had to keep him overnight. Uh, there was a warrant out.
A warrant? For what?
There was a little incident at a four-way.
The guy said he was fine so he left, but we got the plate number.
You left the scene of an accident?
It was a busted headlight.
Oh, come on.
Shut up.
[guys laugh]
What, what is it? What's so funny?
We tried to get Richard laid and he wound up in jail!
Let's hope he doesn't get laid in there!
[all burst out laughing]
I swear to God, you guys are a bunch of morons.
Come on. Get in the car.
[all greet]
(Trish) So, how was prison? Did anybody get anally raped?
Sadly no.
Oh! What's that sound?
It's the sound of Ted not chastising Trish for an off-color remark!
Where is he?
I don't know. Who cares? I hope he went back to New York.
I really can't stand to see him right now.
Here, I'll get you some ice for that.
Well, guys, it's a full moon.
House rule is, every full moon in summer we skinny dip.
Oh!
We have a wedding in eight hours? Ten hours?
I think that we should go to bed.
Yeah, and the water's gonna be freezing!
I n Sweden, we swim when there is snow outside.
(Spooner) See?
All right, be my guest.
I'll stay with the baby.
Okay. I'll try it.
Awesome!
Let's do it.
I'm in.
Let's to this. Come one.
Spooner is going to be naked!
Let's go! Come on!
Go, go go!
Hey, wait for me!
We're not letting that skinny Scandinavian bitch have all the fun. Let's go!
[mixed voices and laughter]
(Trish) Spooner, come over here! I'm freezing!
Are you freezing?
I'm freezing.
Let's go inside and get warmed up.
Okay.
So, why did the Police try to jail you in the first place?
Well, uh, we were trying to help Richard out
with his, uh, problem.
The D.O.C.?
Yeah. So we tried to hire somebody but that's...
Illegal. But it's definitely worth risking your career
to get your friend laid, right?
What career?
Exactly.
You know that I've always wanted to have sex with you, right?
I love your subtlety.
I mean, who cares? I don't think we should go through life lying and playing games.
You know, I gotta tell you, I admire that about you.
You always know where you stand.
So what do you say?
You're the one who said we're just specks of dust.
What does it matter what we do?
It's gonna matter.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bring it up.
No, it's fine. it's about something else.
Hey, you're out!
What did you do, you bust out of the Hamptons Penitentiary?
Nah, they let me out to make room for some dangerous publicists.
Yeah, I think Richard is so funny.
I like that.
I could help him out with that D. O. C. if he wants.
Really? You would actually do that?
Yeah. Sure. It's no big deal.
I'm from Europe. We enjoy sex.
I gotta travel more.
You're funny, too. And sweet.
Elsa, I'm just curious.
If I wasn't married,
would you ever consider going with someone like me?
Look, I'll tell you something very important.
You are very old and very ugly.
Now go have sex with your wife.
[woman moaning]
What the fuck are you guys...
[woman moans intensely]
Oh, Spooner, you're so good!
I bet that bastard is banging Trish.
Or Elsa.
Or both.
[moaning]
Somebody's getting it good tonight! Who is that? I'm jealous.
We thought it was you.
Oh, please. Ted's last good erection
was the night Al Gore lost.
Who said anything about Ted?
[intense moaning]
Oh, of course. Why only the hotties get to have sex?
Did somebody call me?
It's Steven and Michelle role playing!
Wow. I swear I am more impressed with that girl every day.
[Michelle] Yes, Spooner. Oh, yes. Yes!
Glad I could be of help.
Night, everyone.
Ted!
[gunshot]
Call 911.
What the hell where you thinking? You could've killed me.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Fuck! I even screwed this up.
What the hell happened?
Ted was trying to kill himself and he shot me instead.
None of this would've happened if you'd gotten your Rifle Merit Badge.
Shut the fuck up! It's not funny, Richard!
Richard, shut the fuck up. Take Will inside. Put pressure on the wound.
Ted, put the fucking gun down.
It's okay.
Why, Ted?
Why are you gonna kill yourself?
I don't wanna...
I was fired! All right?
What?
I lost my job. I was fired.
They fired me Wednesday.
I thought you were working this whole time.
No. I was trying to get another job.
I was hoping I could just tell everyone I was going on to a new job.
That's what happened. No one's going to hire me.
You spent two whole days emailing people from out of town,
and now you know that no one's gonna hire you. That's fucking ridiculous.
Ted, it's a freaking job.
You said you hated your job. It's probably the best thing It ever happened to you.
You still have Trish.
Jesus Christ, Trish.
Have you ever known two people more ill-suited than me and Trish?
No. But I thought that was your thing.
Yin and yang. Butch and Sundance.
Peaches and Herb.
Trish was pregnant when we got married.
And then she lost the baby. I never told you that.
I'm sorry.
But I do love her, man.
And I don't even care that she's probably been with other guys.
You know, I just don't want to be alone.
And she's definitely gonna leave me now that I don't have a job. I know it.
I know it, because that's the only thing I'm good for. I'm good for working.
Jesus Christ, Ted. You'll get another job.
And Trish isn't going anywhere.
You could've talked to somebody before It came to this.
You need therapy.
And I'm not talking like even twice a week.
I think you might need sleep-away therapy.
[both laugh]
I think you might need Camp Jung.
Perspective is everything.
You have this barrel of friends who fucking adore you.
And all your limbs and orifi are fully functioning.
There's other things you don't know.
Oh, my God. You scared the crap out of me.
I'm sorry, man.
Is this my vacation?
It's not a picnic in here, either.
[both laugh]
Ah!
Go with Will to the hospital.
You'll feel better.
Trish?
My God. Even his suicide note is boring.
Spooner?
What? What happened? What time is it?
It's 6:30.
Where's the paper?
I have to have the Sunday New York Times. It's my religion.
You don't get it delivered?
They don't deliver here.
Oh, no, no, no. This is probably one of those Godforsaken places
where you have to get up at dawn and fight for a copy
'cause they only get rationed a few, and every weekender
is desperate to have the New York Times to read on the beach.
Why did I leave Manhattan?
Shit! They're probably sold out already!
The store doesn't open till 8:00. Get out!
Go. Out!
[Trish yawns]
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Oh, my God, I feel great. I should drink tequila more often.
I slept llke a dead person last night. Would anybody llke more coffee?
I'll have some. Thanks.
What happened to you?
I, uh, uh, lifted too many beers, I guess.
God, we are getting old, huh?
Oh, he came back, huh?
How long have they been out there?
About half an hour.
Really?
Trish, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
Is he okay?
Oh, he's gonna be fine.
So, who's up for a wedding?
[Vivaldi's Four Seasons]
[no audible dialog]
[guys rehearsing]
Should we go out there?
Uh, Greg Is not here.
Oh, come on, he's not gonna ball, is he?
I came all the way from L.A.
Yeah, it would be awful for you if this fell through, wouldn't it?
(Spooner) Did you speak to his brother?
Yeah. Uh, he said Greg left the house about two hours ago.
Oh, boy.
It's so beautiful.
It really is. But I'm starting to fry. I wonder why it hasn't started yet.
They should have used gardenias instead of those lilies.
It would've smelled better.
I thought you'd be a little looser after getting the high hard one last night.
(Dana) Trish!
Sorry, were we too loud?
"Oh, Spooner! I'm coming!
I'm coming!" [moans]
Don't try to do this now.
All right. Great, thanks.
Well, that was his brother.
Greg just arrived and he ran upstairs to see Kate.
Oh, God.
You think he'd really call it off?
I don't know.
This is our fault, you know.
How is this our fault?
Look at us. We're the worst advertisement for marriage imaginable.
We let him think that it leads to a life of arguments,
cheating, divorce, suicide, no sex.
I would've bailed, too, if I were him.
That's ridiculous. We still love our wives!
Maybe one of you should've told him that.
What are you doing?
You can't see the bride before the wedding!
Oh, okay.
Listen to me. It's okay that you're freaking out right now.
You're about to jump off a thousand-foot cliff. You've no idea what's at the bottom.
That's not helpful.
Guys, listen, I'm...
Greg, Greg. There's something I didn't tell you.
I assumed you knew, but I feel I should have said something.
I love my wife.
And I love mine.
Of course they drive us crazy. We don't get enough sex.
Okay, I don't get enough sex.
They have their quirks, their idiosyncrasies, their weaknesses, but so do we.
We're lucky to have them.
Yeah. It's not like you're a perfect catch either. We've been your roommates.
That's not pretty. You get the back hair and the snoring.
Yeah, you blow your nose in the shower, you wear black underwear.
You drive a '92 Jetta and you still listen to Ace of Base.
Kate is completely out of your league, you're a douche!
You're a dirt bag.
That's really-that's touching stuff, guys.
You should save some of that for the toast. Really.
Kate is the girl of your dreams.
Kate is your girl in the Mini.
Guys, I know.
I went to get her this watch. It belonged to my grandmother,
and Kate needed something old before we could start the wedding.
That's all.
So you weren't freaking out?
No, no. I wasn't.
But it was really sweet of you guys to come running up the stairs
ans grab me and throw me in the room. It was really dramatic.
Now, would you, would you shut up and sing?
Sweetie? I'm not looking.
I love you.
I love you, too. I'll see you out there.
Everybody. Everybody?
May I have your attention, please?
Thank you. [clears throat]
It only makes sense that I should give the toast
since I am the most recently divorced person here.
[all laugh]
I don't-I don't understand.
Would you invite a Nazi to speak at your Bar Mitzvah?
I don't get it.
What am I doing here?
And then,
I figured, maybe this, maybe this is the right thing.
Maybe, maybe I can be some kind of,
some kind of Scared Straight program for newlyweds.
[soft laughter]
Thirty-seven. Divorced. Childless.
Don't let this happen to you.
But then,
the truth is, is that, is that marriage takes work.
Marriage,
marriage is like an orchid.
It's delicate and it's beautiful,
and you gotta weed it.
And even spread a little manure on it from time to time.
And if you forget to water it for, I don't know,
say six and a half years, it-it tends to die.
But if you water it every day
and give it your love and your attention,
it's gonna flourish.
And it's gonna fill your life with beauty.
And soon you'll have little orchids running around your garden.
So, to Greg and to Kate.
May you be each other's mulch,
and may your garden always grow.
Salute!
Thank you, uh, Richard.
We'd llke to end, uh, with a song
that reminds us how precious and rare love is.
Whether be between a husband and wife,
uh, family, or just old friends.
(David) And then it happened again.
I looked around at those faces,
the faces of the most important people in my life,
and I realized, this was one of those peak experiences.
I can still have them, and I don't have to be 20 years old.
Suddenly, the fact that it's 28 past the hour, 11:22 in the day
and the 19th of June in the year of my life seemed perfectly acceptable.
Even joyous.
For the first time in a long time I felt lucky.
Just plain lucky.
Hey, Richard.
I found these amazing old tapes for the ride home.
The Nuremberg Trials volume six?
Hey, does anybody else has room in their car for Spooner?
So, you know we're gonna call you a lot.
I'll be fine. That was ridiculous.
And you know what? I'm sorry I shot you.
Right.
Where's your stuff?
Trish and I are gonna hang here for a few more days.
We need some time together. It was Spooner's idea.
It'll be therapeutic.
That's Camp Jung.
Do you mind if I ask you? I don't want to sound weird or anything.
What?
Is Will, um,
Is he...
What?
Is he the one?
No. Is he gay?
Gay?
Yeah.
No! No, he's, uh, he's...
Unless he is the greatest actor that ever lived, no.
He is definitely not gay.
Really?
Really.
Huh, that is interesting.
Oh, little baby, I wish I could take you home with me.
Hey. Hey!
David! Do you wanna hold him?
Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.
[cries]
How're you doing? You're cute.
You're a cut baby.
I'm so sorry.
I should've told you. He just had a bottle.
That's okay.
I should've told you.
It's all right.
Are you sure it's okay?
Yes, of course. You should go. See New York.
We'll be fine.
Hand him over!
Let's go home.
Elsa's going home with Spooner?
No, she's... She's gonna go home with me.
Really?
Really.
She's never seen New York and I'm gonna show her around for a couple of days.
Really?
Yeah.
I guess they don't have ugly guys in Sweden.
I'm... I'm exotic to her or something.
God speed, you lucky bastard.
That's puke.
Okay. Get outta here.
It was nice to meet you.
Goodbye.
[all shout]
Dana!
Stop breathing and see something. All of you.
Drive safely!
[inaudible]
[Trish laughs]
(Dana) What are you doing?
Come to bed.
I'm making some plans.
Plans?
Since when do you plan anything?
Design plans.
I figure, uh, your brother could come in
and put up a wall and, uh, a door,
and maybe make that dining L into a second bedroom.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about, uh,
moving from on-deck circle to batter's box.
So I can, uh, get puked a lot more often.
Do you wanna dance?
[music starts]
Subtitles by LeapinLar